Wednesday, September 15, 2010


I just realized it had been longer than I thought since I posted.  I'm probably the only one who is surprised by that.

Feeling hit me again somewhere in between now and my last post (looking back, it was September 8), in the form of tears and in the middle of the night.
My sleep habits could stand improvement anyway, but overall I think they've probably been worse since Clint died.  The first week I didn't sleep a whole lot.  I'm still probably not sleeping enough.  It's harder for me to go back to sleep if I wake fully in the night, just because my mind is going.

I still find myself staring off into space thinking about Clint when I'm supposed to be doing something else.  I've always had a talent for spacing out, following some rabbit-trail of thought and getting entirely distracted by it, but it doesn't always have a common theme.

Tears come a little more easily now maybe, and since they came on the 8th I think it's seemed a little more real that he's gone perhaps.  Yet I'm still not sure I completely grasp it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't.  I told my mom last night, it's hard enough for me just to grasp that we're almost halfway through September.  Sometimes I feel like a couple months just vanished, leaving nothing behind but tremendous burdens in various forms.

I think I'm struggling more now overall than I have up to this point.  It's just that taking it all in along with trying to catch up with and get on with things that have been neglected and really need my attention is overwhelming and stressful.  I'm often inclined to feel overwhelmed during those particular vanished months anyway, because they require assessing and wrapping up one school year and getting going into the next, and all that surrounds that.  If you homeschool you likely inherently understand this.  If you don't homeschool, consider that I am a teacher, not just someone who stays home with her children.  Teaching isn't just about the actual teaching, but there's a lot of planning, record-keeping, etc. that goes along with it.  No, homeschooling isn't just like public schooling (that's kind of the point), but it still requires thoughtful planning, preparation, and organization if things are to go smoothly.  We're making progress around here, at least I hope so, but it's slow, very slow, frustratingly slow.  I'm hoping I'll feel better about school at least by the end of the month. 

I keep thinking about Atlas Shrugged, from various angles.  That was one of Clint's favorite books.  I recall discussing it with him.  It's amazing that an atheist could write something so spiritually allegorical, especially since that was not at all Rand's intent.  Sigh.  I should write about that, I tell myself.  Maybe eventually, but right now, I have other things I must do.


  1. ((hugs)) Just from the couple months I spent homeschooling last winter, I have an idea of the stress that comes with the responsibility of giving your children the education you feel they deserve. Public school teachers have handy things like grief leave and substitutes. I know you will be able to catch up over the next few months, and I hope you can find the mental strength to forgive yourself, because all you can do is do your best in this situation. I think that God will make a way for you to look back in May with an "all's well that ends well" when it comes to schooling.

    Still praying for you and your family.

  2. Hey, I know this is a very old post, but I've been reading thru all of your old posts and thought I'd share something. IDK if you've ever been on the website, but I visit it every time I watch a show or a movie to look up the actors in it. Every week I'll check a certain spot on the site to see what movies are currently out and what movies are coming out. So Rodney and I were going to go see a movie this weekend, and I knew what movies were out, but just in case, I looked up our local theater and discovered that Atlas Shrugged, pt 1, the movie was at our theater!! I was SO shocked, as I'd just discussed the book on several occassions with Clint last summer, and I didn't see anything about the movie on imdb. I tried to tell Rodney about it, but he didn't know what Atlas Shrugged was :( I thought I'd share about it with you since you could relate to my feelings. <3 alena